Gr-attitude

We reformulated our household budget yesterday, and I almost cried.

I have no income.  None.  I’ve done some freelance work for a local magazine, but I won’t get paid for that for months, and after factoring in taxes, my hourly wage has been reduced to third-world sweatshop status.  I left my teaching job three months ago, seemingly with the whole world at my fingertips, and all I’ve got to show for it at this point is an office lined with shopping bags full of classroom life remnants, a monthly payment to Apple for the laptop I just had to have in order to be a Real Writer, and a growing addiction to coffee.

On top of all of that, I have worn holes into every single pair of pants that I own – the holes you get when your thighs rub together with every step you take, the kind that you hide by strategically crossing your legs.  I tried to go out and use my end-of-year teacher gift card to buy more pants, but everything I tried on made me look like a poorly crafted sausage.

I’m writing at the library now because it’s the only place I won’t be tempted to buy overpriced coffee and baked goods, or anything else for that matter.  Thank God for library cards.  Library cards are the nicotine patch for people who like to buy things but then find themselves unceremoniously cut off.  At the library, I can leave with bags full of books, heavy because let’s face it, I’m carrying around dead trees.  The weight of the bags is comforting to me on an entirely selfish level.

As I turned into the library parking lot this morning, it really hit me – how hard this actually is.  I knew going into it that it would be challenging and bumpy, but reality always seems to be harsher, no matter how well you prepare for it.  I pulled into the parking space and was overcome by it all.  By how much I still have to learn about starting a business.  By how much I still have to learn about the writing business.  By how much stress this is putting my dear, selfless husband through.  By how tough this is going to end up being.  The honeymoon is over, and now it’s time to pay the piper – and the mortgage.

This is definitely the lowest I’ve felt since starting out on this odyssey called The Pursuit of My Dreams.  I took time today to walk around my house and look around, to remind myself of the things I do have and what I’m grateful for.  Here’s a short list:

1.  My beautiful, wonderful, unconditionally loving husband.  Who will blush when he reads this.  He always reads my posts.

2.  My beautiful, wonderful, unconditionally loving cats.  They won't blush when they read this.  Because they can't read.

3.  My sound machine.  I can't fall asleep without it.

4.  The speakers in my kitchen.  They make it way more fun to cook because I can sing and dance at the same time.

5.  My shower radio.  Same reason as #3.

6.  The avocado I found sitting on the chopping block.  I really love avocado.

I felt a little better after that.

I passed a woman on my way into the library.  Her head was held high as she marched through the lobby, on her way to conquer whatever life had to throw at her that day.  She was wearing a simple black t-shirt with white writing, and the writing said:

I’m not lost

I’m exploring

I’m glad I came to the library today.

P.S. I passed the same woman on my way out of the library, as she was coming back in.  Three hours later.