Chiropractor: Your back keeps blowing out because your hips and glutes are so weak.
Me: Okay...
Chiro: When you walk, your hips and glutes are supposed to support your back so it remains stable, but yours are so weak that your spine is constantly shifting with every step.
Me: Okay...
Chiro: I mean, just looking at your glutes, you can see that there's a lot of mass there, but it's not muscle mass.
Me: (somehow managing to speak even though my doctor just used medical jargon to tell me that I have a big fat ass) Right. Now I need to tell you something.
Chiro: What?
Me:(looking him straight in the eye) I need you to know that at one point, I was fit. I was a rower. I was in great shape. But then I hurt my back and since then it's been this slow downward progression to where I am now. And for the last two years, every time I start exercising regularly, my back goes out.
Chiro: Well, we're going to have to play around with exercises a bit. We're going to try different things, and we're going to find exercises that work and don't make your back hurt.
Me: Okay.
Chiro: So we're going to work really hard at strengthening and toning those glutes.
Me: You mean we're going to make my ass look good?!
Chiro: (pause) Yes.
*****
That smart "ass" remark almost got a smile out of him. I'll wear him down eventually.
So here we are again at the intersection of Chicken Blvd and Egg St. Did my weak glutes and hips cause my back to go out, or did my back going out cause the overuse of my sacroiliac (SI) ligament (it's somehow involved in all this, though I'm not sure how), leading to the pain and stiffness I've been feeling?
I have no freakin' idea.
What I do know is that now this means that in addition to rehabilitating my lower back and core, I need to rehabilitate my hips and glutes as well.
Bottom line (so to speak): I've got to literally get my ass in shape.
The chiro was able to loosen up that stuck SI ligament, and then he put some sports tape on it to give it extra support.
Later that day when I was getting undressed to take a shower, I caught a glimpse of the tape in the mirror. Right at the very very base of my spine, a little to the left, where my back meets my Tremendous Tushy - three strips of tape, two crossed over each other like an "X" and a third going straight across the "X", creating a star shape, or an...
Dear God.
My doctor gave me an ass-terisk.
oh, my - that pun. You're too much. Hope you start feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteI love your blogs, puns and all. So glad you went to a Chiropractor. I hope you get your ass in shape. Mine is rather substantial as well (as you know), but have been fortunate not to have back pain. I will keep working out and find ways to work my butt off!
ReplyDeleteIt's a good theory! My knee problems are supposedly because of weak hips/glutes, and ironically I hurt my knee when I thought I was strong. ;) Hope the tape & exercises help!
ReplyDeleteSo great! I threw my back out shoveling a week and a half ago and I got that tape too- sad to say it wasn't an ass...terisk. I'm with you sista. It must be on the mend- how was it last night?
ReplyDeleteYes, it is on the mend. I was actually surprised at how well I did yesterday! Keeping fingers crossed that this improvement continues. Great meeting you and Kevin last night! I'll be in touch! Are either of you on Twitter?
DeleteFinding out that you have more than one condition to recover from is very depressing. But you didn’t let that get you down, and you even looked at the positive side of it. Quite amazing! How are you now? I hope your chiropractor gives you the treatment you need to recover quickly, so you could go back on your normal routine.
ReplyDeleteWaylon Buser @ U.S. HealthWorks
Well, that was a rather peculiar visit! Haha! This is why it's important that we take good care of our bodies by practicing a healthy holistic lifestyle. This is because the condition of our body severely affects our mobility. Like what your chiro suggested, do some exercises that would help strengthen your lower back. All the best!
ReplyDeleteMark Wallace @ Chiropractic Memphis
The most persistent pains can be caused by the most nearly inconsequential or inconspicuous details. For example back pain, which can really be due to disproportionate distribution of our weight. It's all anatomy, which relates to a system. Might as well take that into account and work out the solution from there to get the kind of therapy and healing that we need. Take care!
ReplyDeleteJacqueline Hodges @ Dr. Koziol