- Because I spend a month slowly losing four pounds and then gain it back in the span of an overindulgent weekend. And then I spend the next week thinking "What's the point?" while eating everything I didn't eat in the previous month.
- Because when my husband tells me I am going to eat eggplant - my least favorite vegetable - for dinner, I rebel against this travesty by bringing home ice cream and Milanos for dessert. Yes, I have the food mentality of a picky five-year-old.
- Because I eat too much crap food and not enough whole food.
- Because I have a desk job for eight hours a day, and have a nonexistent workout routine, unless you count my many trips to the copy machine. Which you can't. Because it just doesn't count. Especially when you are beating yourself up about being fat.
- Because when I think of everything I'm not eating, I want to eat it all the more. And I inevitably do. Which is why deprivation doesn't work. But isn't cutting back on anything technically deprivation - at least in the beginning? Yep. Please - someone do the math for me where I eat less and don't feel like I'm eating less. I'm begging you.
- Because I can only make "healthy decisions" for so long before I get really, really, really, really bored of said healthy decisions and say, "Oh, f*** it, I want the carbonara and the creme brulee. All of it. If your fork comes within a foot of my plate, you will draw back a bloody stump."
- Because I am fighting an uphill battle, and that makes me angry and sad, which makes me eat crappy food, which makes me angrier and sadder, which makes me eat crappy food. And on a side note, it's just sadistic to make an already fat person battle anything in an uphill manner.
- Because my general idea of "fun" involves either a book, a movie, a computer, or some other object whose use requires me to sit down on my expanding derriere. True, I can have fun in other ways, but the occurrence of that type of motivation is unfortunately quite sporadic.
- Because my general idea of "delicious" involves cake, pasta, sausage, cheese, ice cream, donuts, french fries, bread, steak, cream, alcohol, oil, butter, Italian deli meat, cookies, and any and all combinations of the above.
- Because I can't figure out why I'm fat. Not really. Not the deep down reason which keeps perpetuating the repetition of items #1 - 9.
Which makes me think that I will always be fat. That no matter what I do, whether I work hard or blow it off, none of it matters because at the end of the day, regardless of what day it is, I will still be fat.
And this thought sucks the big one.
Not sure where to go from here.
I feel like this could have been an excerpt from my diary (although much better written)! I have no answers for you...just wanted you to know I get your defeated attitude right now, and you are not alone in this uphill, lifelong battle. Just so you know, your blog makes me smile:) Even when you're not writing the normal upbeat post, it's still so clever! Sending some PA love to you!
ReplyDeleteI have prayed for you and released you from your fat demons that keep putting you on your vicious cycle! It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not, He is bigger than your belief. Here are some next steps for you: enjoy the fall weather by taking a walk at one of Columbia's beautiful parks (nobody cares what you are wearing or what you look like-- everybody is more interested in themselves), and by discovering 3 whole food paleo recipes that you can make this week. Go shopping for the foods and make them ahead so that you have them on-hand when your cravings hit. Also, it sounds like you have some resentment towards other people who decide your menu. That's fine, but do make sure that you're keeping an open mind while you explore new avenues towards healthiness. Allow yourself to spend more on high-quality food that will make you healthy and then work out fun ways to get yourself to eat it. Healthy food is delicious when cooked correctly. Eat slowly, because you'll enjoy it more and you'll taste it more. It will satisfy you. Remember always that nothing tastes as good as feeling good/looking good/being healthy feels. Only try a cake, candy, or junk food with a trash can nearby so that you can spit it out if it isn't the finest piece of junk ever. Consider if it's worth it, and if it's not, don't cheapen yourself with it. Putting it in your mouth doesn't mean that you have to keep it there! Keep eating the foods you love even if they aren't good for you, but eat way less of them, and replace that extra with healthy veggies and fruits. You'll get there!
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